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Oct. 29th, 2009

shifty sigh

It's been so long since I posted here! I've been trying to read up on friend's livejournal pages today, to catch up on their lives, so I thought I might as well post something. 
Work is going good. Actually busy today. I went to Halifax last week with holly for a conference thingy. It was kinda boring, but was okay. I was really glad to get home, though.
Lately, I feel kinda like a different person then I used to be...I don't know why. Less fun, less happy. Work is great, so I know that's not it. Moving into a new apartment, getting some pets, really happy about that. I dunno, I just sort of feel like I'm floating along. I don't like it. I feel so angry, and bored, and sad all the time. I miss going out with friends. I have, like, 2 friends here in truro; holly and jess, and I'm not particularily close with either of them. That's okay, everyone's different, but I just miss hanging out with people. I feel like I'm turning bitter. Am I too young to be bitter?
I miss Amber, and Brittany, and the other friends I had in the valley. My phone is kaput, so I can't call anyone, and even if I could call them, then what? When can I go down? I work all week, and usually have stuff to do on the weekends, and it's freaking 2 hours away to drive, when can I go down? I hate feeling so alone all the time. Rob's here, but, GAH. I love him, but like a best friend, you know? Not a boyfriend. He knows it, too, but here we are. 
He annoys me the majority of the time. I feel like, all I do is work, go home, wait out the couple hours I have to spend with him, then go to sleep. Then get up and do the same damn thing all over again. Until the weekend, when I go to the laundramat,  do laundry, clean the apartment, do any work related stuff waiting for me, get groceries, and sleep. 
How do I fix this? I want to meet new people, or spend time with my old friends. Meeting new people appears to be out; any new people I meet seem to dislike me. Maybe I'm trying too hard I don't know. Going out to bars on my own feels spectacularily unsafe. 
And we've already discussed why even talking to my old friends is kinda impossible right now. Gah. 
For a while, I was texting Dana, and Marley, but that didn't really pan out; in spite of what Dana says, I seem to be sort of an afterthought to him; he doesn't really talk to me unless I call or text him first, and then only for as short a time as possible. Marley is slightly better, I don't even really know the guy, so that only holds the freaking boredom at bay for so long. 
All I really want to do right now is go to a bar with some friends, get drunk out of my mind, have fun, hook up with some random dude, and go home. Why can't I just do that? Argh. fml. 

Okay, personal rant for the day done. 

On a lighter note, here's some awesome muppet bloopers, cheer yourself up. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KANI2dpXLw


Sep. 4th, 2009

Relationships

For my own securities, this entry is in spanish, curtesy of Babel Fish; 

Usted cae en amor con alguien, realmente caída en amor, e it' s hermoso, y maravilloso, y usted can' t se imagina cómo usted sobrevivió sin esa persona. Todo que usted lo hace gira alrededor de ellos, y pronto, it' s su toda la vida. Entonces extremo de las cosas, él doesn' de t materia realmente cómo, pero qué materias es, cuando usted la termina, usted todavía las ama. Y, lentamente, ese le rasga aparte. Usted grita, y solloza, y se maldice y a cada uno para simplemente existir, porque cómo debe cualquier persona ser permitido vivir cuando you' ¿re muerte? Eventual usted reconstrucción, por supuesto, usted empuja el dolor lejos, detrás, profundamente dentro de usted, hasta it' s apenas este centro entumecido en su base, de que nunca siente cualquier cosa. Usted encuentra algún otro que le ama, y le se dice que usted lo ama. Y usted incluso hace quizá feliz, vida esta nueva vida, y piensa, " bien, I' m mejora off." It' s solamente cada una vez y un rato, cuando su solo, y reservado, que se alza el dolor, y le recuerda que no, su no mejor apagado. Usted es desgraciado. Usted será siempre desgraciado. Y usted será siempre solo, cualquieras you' re con. You' charla del ll a él, a el que usted amó otra vez, en un cierto punto, y you' sensación que acomete, esa alegría del ll que le deja saber que you' el ll todavía hace cualquier cosa satisfacerlo. Y él won' materia de t. Causa en el extremo, it' todavía s encima, you' re solo inmóvil, it' s todavía hecho. Y you' el ll lo odia, mientras que lo ama, para hacer esto a usted. Para destruirle de nuevo, simplemente no haciendo caso de usted. Dana, le odio hoy.
And I still love you.

My one Emo post of the month.
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Aug. 21st, 2009

I'M IN A GLASS CASE OF EMOTION!!!

Gah, it's been a while since I posted here....
Things have been so weird lately; I feel all mixed up.

Work is going suprisingly good; I'm usually busy, which I love, and everyone's so nice to me here. Today's been slightly boring, just because I'm waiting for a bunch of people to get back to me on various stuff, but other then that, things are nifty.

Work isn't what's been confusing me lately.

It's all....this emotional stuff.

One major thing is Ambs. I hadn't heard from her in ages, which normally means she's mad at me, and when she's mad, I'm normally terrified of her, so I was just waiting, hoping she'd email. She contacted me the other day, the first time in weeks, and I realized that I'm not actually comfortable waiting around on a person like that when they're mad. When you're mad at someone, you're supposed to talk stuff out, you know? I know I share half the blame here, but still. 
I responded to her post, and I hope I hear back from her, otherwise, I don't know what to do about this one, and it frusterates me.

Next, guy stuff. Rob and I are moving in together; it's set in stone now. We found an apartment, we're moving in Saturday.

This absolutely terrifies me.

I DO NOT WANT TO BE DATING HIM. But I don't know how to do anything else. I've been with Rob so long, that when I try flirting with someone else, I fail miserably. I'm so shy, and awkward, I really don't know how to act. 
But I really don't want to date Rob. I always have to act like the dude around him; he's ridiculously emotional, always crying, and I constantly have to drop whatever I'm doing to comfort him. I'm not exaggerating here; this happens, on average, 6 to 7 times a day.
I don't love him anymore. But he's comfortable, you know? After all this time, he's like my best friend. And I would like having my own apartment, instead of boarding with people.

Just not with him. But it's too late to back out now; the damage is done.

So on one hand, I'm so excited, getting my own place, and on the other hand....it means I'm stuck with Rob. For quite a while.
I've told him how I feel about this. He doesn't seem to care. Which just frusterates me more.

I may hit the bars this weekend. They're calling my name.  

Aug. 6th, 2009

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssss...

 Liverpool trip went AWESOME. I learned soooo much. For the first time, I really feel like I kinda know what I'm doing with this job, instead of just making me best guess of it. Val and Jill were great teachers too, really fun, but informative; I never felt bored.
I'm really excited to go to work tomorrow now!! I have so much to do, and I love it!!

Holly was alot of fun to chill out with too! The drives were great, even though they were kinda long, they went by fast. We got to stay in a super-nice hotel, and had a bomb time going swimming there. And after swimming, we used our towels to dress in 50s styles, and took pictures of each other. In the morning, had my (brace yourself) FIRST EVER MCDONALD'S BREAKFAST. (you may now unbrace)
Which was dongtacular. I had a sausage mcmuffin, and it tasted so good, I think my tastebuds orgasmed. Is that normal?
On the drive back, we stopped at Mastodon Ridge, and took our pictures with the Mastodon, various Flinstones stuff, a carved eagle and a polar bear. 

All and all, a bitching last couple days. And tomorrow's friday!!! So I can have a busy day tomorrow, and then chill out for the weekend. I kinda hope I can see Krista, I miss talking to the gurl. :( May go to the city sunday, not sure. I have to get my headlights fixed at some point. Grrr...damn lights. 

Aug. 4th, 2009

Happy

So a bunch of stuff going on;
Today, went with Bev to Antigonish, was pretty fun, Bev is awesome to talk to. :) Almost got in a car accident though when this lady hit us. It kinda scared me, and Bev too, so we had to pull over.
Rob got a job down here in Truro!! :) With Convergys, a call centre down here. He's moving down, and I guess I'm moving in with him...I don't really know. I don't want to date him anymore, and I don't see how this is going to work. I'd like hanging out with him more, but that's pretty much it. This whole thing makes me edgy. I'm happy for him, but I don't know what part I want to play in this yet. But I don't really feel like I have a choice.
I just realized that the number I gave the cute guy from the other night isn't working right now, so all he has is my work number. :S This kinda sucks, as I would kinda like to see the guy again, at least, you know, to mess around. Oh well. I'm sure things will work out for the best in the end. 
I just don't like it, is all. I kinda got this feeling like I'm never going to hear from the dude again.

Excited, for road trip with Holly tomorrow! Going to liverpool to learn more about work stuff. Sounds like fun! Going to go swiiiiiiiimmmmmming! Yeah.

Also..... "They call me yellow mellow......quite rightly...."

Might go to see baseball game in Millbrook tonight, not sure, don't want to end up hanging around by myself. :S





 

Jul. 31st, 2009

My shame...

Gah, I keep forgetting this thing exists... I'll try to remember more in the future....
Busy last couple days; work-wise, I'm super excited, next week, work-related overnight trip to Liverpool with Holly! Yeeeeeeeeees. I forsee this being fun and informative, as I love Holly, and Valerie and Jill will be there in LIverpool to instruct us, and I'm just Coocoo for Cocoa Beans regarding those two. 
Also, there will be swimming opprotunities. I'm am working at finding the top half of my bikini as we speak. :D

Sick from work yesterday; I literally didn't get ANY sleep the night before, and I was just exhausted. I went to Krista's place at Indian Brook in Shubie, had fun, Krista and I both got hammed, lol, her quite a bit more then me I think. But possibly not, as I was acting even more like an idiot then normally. I ended up staying at a friend of Krista's for a while, before going home. Had fun, but I didn't get to sleep at ALL, so yesterday was just one big, long sleep-fest. Plus, I felt super-sick, all day, I don't know why, as I don't get hungover, ever, no matter how much I drink. :S

Anyhoo, that's the update for now. I don't know if I'm coming down to the valley this weekend or not, I havn't heard from Ambs, or the fam in a while, so I'm kinda worried. :(
 

Jul. 15th, 2009

Dear Rob

I just found this old email, I wrote to an ex of mine months back...


Hi mister,
Firstly, please don't take all the blame for the problems we've been going through; it takes two people to mess up a relationship, and I'm definately one of them. We both have alot to work on, and we're both equally to blame for this.
I understand what you are saying, though, and you're right, I want you to do whatever you need to do to make yourself happy, and you will be happier after you are able to go after what you want in life.
As for me, I promise to figure out why I am like this lately, and do whatever it takes to fix myself, too.
I think part of our problem is that we're both unhappy with ourselves, and we just expect the other person to always make us feel better, instead of trying to make ourselves happy. It puts so much pressure on our relationship, because really, if we can't make ourselves happy, how can we make the other person in our life happy? I think we both need to learn to be happy, confident, secure people all on our own, without anyone else's help. I don't think this relationship can work, any other way.
I'll try my best to as well, and I'll always be your friend, but sweetie, I think until we can fix this problems, we shouldn't date anymore. I still want to be around you, as often as possible, but as friends. Down the road, when we're both able to be happy on our own, then we can date again, if you still want to. But I don't want to keep dating, when it's obvious we both have to fix our own personal demons before we can be happy together.
Please understand, I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with you, or with me, and I ALWAYS want to be around you, in some way. But we both need space to sort things out right now, and I think, even more then a girlfriend/boyfriend, we need just to be able to talk to each other, as friends, with worrying about driving the other person away.
I would love it if you could call me later, and please don't hate me for any of this. I want to be in love with you again, and to date you again. But I don't think either of those are possible, without dealing with this stuff first.
Hopefully, talk to you later tonight,
Krissy


We're not getting back together, we haven't discussed it even for a while, and we're not even close as friends anymore...I forgot I wrote this, and now I'm bummed. :( Little things can just ruin a girl's evening. It's not that I want to be with him again, I don't even really miss him...just a sad part of my life, that until now, I didn't have to think about.
On a side note...wow, I wrote that diplomatically! Long winded, yes, but extremely diplomatic. I ended the relationship, with no real intention of dating the guy ever again, but you can't really politely word that. I guess that means I'm a liar, but I suppose that in this case it was for a good cause. He did end up calling me later that night, and while I can't remember word for word, I do remember that we both walked away from the situation feeling sad, but knowing we'd both be happier in the long run.
Definately one of my better break-ups. 
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Jun. 15th, 2009

Guilt...

Gah, I keep forgetting about this thing!!!
I'll try to fill in some of this; I moved down to truro for work last week; I really like the job so far, there's alot to learn, but it seems really interesting and rewarding. It's with the Native Council, I help aboriginal youth find jobs. So any out there, reading this, needing help, it's Krissy's time to shine! :P
I was never to truro before I interviewed for this job; it's kinda laid out weird; all the stores are in weird places. And there's train tracks all over the place. And there's a gratuitous amount of Tim Hortens, and I never thought you could have too many Tim Hortens, but there you are.
But everyone seems really nice so far. I'm kinda lonely, I haven't met alot of people down here yet, and I really miss everyone back in the valley. :( Hopefully, I'll get to know the people down here better soon, it's just kinda sad right now.
The people I live with are really nice, I'm boarding with this couple; they make marionettes, and perform shows with them, so they're away alot, but I really like them. They have two cats, but the only one that really likes me is this huge guy cat named Luthor. He's on my bed next to me right now, snoozing. :P
Anyhoo, that's the big stuff. Tomorrow I'm going to the city for a conference for work, it's supposed to be pretty long, but hopefully it goes good.

May. 18th, 2009

God, I just remembered this...

I'm sorry, it's been forever since I posted here!!! I feel so unreliable...
So much has happened since my last post, but I'm way too exhausted to put it all down right now.
I promise I'll do it later, though.

Mar. 25th, 2009

Weird night

Gah, I feel sick!!
I couldn't go to work today; but not because of the sick thing, I would've gone anyway, but we couldn't get out of my driveway, until about 11 tonight, because of the snow. :(
I keep telling myself I love snow, but it gets harder as time goes on.

I feel sick from last night, still. :(
I spent the night at edith's, and was majorly, majorly stoned. Her roommate's bf, Charles, was there, and he kept looking at me funny, the whole night. I didn't like it.
I was so sad after I got stoned; I kept wishing I could see Rob, or even just talk to him.
Then, once everyone went to bed, I got really, really sick. I ran to the washroom, and like projectile vomited into the toilet. I kept puking, and couldn't stop. Even when there wasn't anything left in my stomach, I kept throwing up. I couldn't breathe, and I sorta half-fainted, hunched over the toilet. The toilet paper looked liked lungs, somehow, in the water.
I know this will sound crazy, but all of a sudden, I kept getting all these flashes in my head; like these pictures of my future. They kept going and going, faster, and the washroom fan seemed to speed up with them, and my heartbeat was going with it. I got mad, because I realized I had done this to myself, and that all of this was somehow punishment for that.
I realized I could die like that, hunched over the toilet like that. I still couldn't breathe, and things looked all spotty and swirly. Then, all of a sudden, I was sure I WAS going to die. That it had come down to me, dying in a strange bathroom, alone.
It just made me madder, like God was showing me all these pictures of my future in my head to show me what he'd wanted me to do, if I'd just lived.
I know none of this makes any sense, but I need to get it down somewhere, while it's all sorta fresh in my head.
So as I was staring into the lungs/floating toilet paper, I started making deals in my head, with God. I was mad, and I was like, okay, you want me to do this, this and this? Fine. Just make me able to breathe again.
I haven't been that mad in a long time, or that miserable, but I was sure that that's what was left; either promise to do what was flashing in my head, or die.
Finally, the heaving went away, and I could sit up again. But I was still mad as hell over the whole situation, and before I left the bathroom, I kept testing myself; I'd stand up, then bend forward really quickly, like daring my body to puke.
Once I was sure I was fine, I walked back to the couch edith had made up for me, and layed down.
I was really pensive for the rest of the night; I kept thinking about my future, and what I'd seen in my head.
I used to get dreams, when I was younger, that would always come true, and I think it was sorta like that. I can't remember most of it now, and maybe it was all just the weed, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't.
Anyway, I layed there, the rest of the night, thinking.
Edith's roommate, Shawna, and Charles, were in their bedroom, fighting, most of the night. I remember, hearing them yelling at each other, and at random times, one of them would come storming out, go to the kitchen, then go back to their room.
Whenever Charles came by, he would like, stare at me, sometimes stopping, too, I guess he thought I was asleep. But I didn't really sleep, the whole night. I just kept thinking.
It put alot of stuff in perspective for me. I genuinely thought I was going to die, and whether or not that was ever really a possibility, it's really made me look at things that I was sorta ignoring before.
Also, worried about Shawna. Don't really know her that well yet, but I don't think Charles is very nice. He seems like a d-bag.
Haven't gone out with Jason since that one first time. I've suggested going out again a bunch of times, but he's always busy with something. I'd like to see him more, but if he's not going to make an effort, then I guess it's really not worth waiting around for. If he liked me as much as he said he did, he'd probably actually try to see me. So I'm considering this ship sailed, unless further events convince me otherwise.
Wishing I could have gone to work. :( I could use the money, and I don't want them to be mad at me.

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